Words of wisdom?

When I was a college kid, my friends and I used to tell jokes that started with "Confucius says". We thought it was very cool and witty. Let me play that game again. Here's one I remember from those carefree days of youth:

Confucius says: "Rape is impossible. A woman can run faster with her skirt up than a man with his pants around his legs."

Witty, huh? I wonder whether this lesson applies to sodomy attempts too?