Forgotten victims

I saw this joke being circulated through social media. It comes from The Telegraph, one of the national dailies in the United Kingdom. Thought it hilarious enough to reproduce here:

Spare a thought for the forgotten victims of this crisis... burglars

Michael Deacon
Parliamentary Speechwriter
The Telegraph
28 March 2020, 7:00pm 

The crisis has brought disruption to every section of  society. From schoolchildren to the elderly, and from the self-employed to the abruptly furloughed, all of us are facing upheaval in our daily lives and anxiety about our futures.

Amid the clamour of appeal for Government support, however, the plight of one group appears to have been cruelly overlooked: Criminals.

The Prime Minister may only have announced the nationwide lockdown on Monday night, but already families from across the law-breaking community are feeling the pinch. Burglars, for example, have seen their takings collapse.

“It’s a nightmare,” says Barry Knuckles, president of the National Union of Housebreakers. “Now that the entire population is at home 24 hours a day, it’s impossible to burgle anyone. They’re never out.”

Speaking on the Today programme, Mr Knuckles urged the Government to provide financial support for his members during these tough times. He called on the Chancellor to cover 80 per cent of the value of all the laptops, jewellery and flatscreen TVs that Britain’s burglars would normally have stolen and sold on. So far, however, he has yet to receive a response.

“The political class are completely out of touch with the concerns of decent, hard-working criminals,” he says.

But burglars aren’t the only felons struggling to meet the challenges of the coronavirus age.

“It’s all very well for people who can work from home, like phishing scammers and identity thieves,” says Dave Fingers, chairman of the Association of British Muggers and Bag-Snatchers. “But how are you supposed to pick someone’s pocket from two metres away? Some of our lads have tried using those little hooked rods you get in fairground hook-a-duck games, or those funny reacher-grabber tools that old folk use for picking up stuff they’ve dropped on the floor. But it’s hopeless. The Government’s got to think again.”

The spread of the virus has also caused widespread concern among the Jihadi terrorist community. According to recent newspaper reports, Isil has ordered its members to stay away from Europe for fear of catching the disease.

“We’re disgusted by the number of Western infidels refusing to observe official guidance on social distancing,” says an Isil spokesman. “These people are making the streets completely unsafe. Their actions could cost thousands of innocent lives.

“As an employer, our number one concern is the welfare of our employees. The last thing we want is for one of our suicide bombers to get killed.”