Bereavement

And so, my father-in-law's life journey came to a halt last Wednesday. He went off into the night very peacefully, fading away quietly without rousing any alarm among the family members who were around him at home.

When my father-in-law was discharged from Bukit Mertajam Hospital on the ninth of this month, he was already in a critical condition. Days before his discharge, he had his eyes closed most of the time in the hospital but we were certain that he could still hear us. Constantly, we were telling him that he would be going home soon and on the day of his discharge, he actually opened his eyes occasionally to look at us. Once at his Bandar Tasek Mutiara home, we could see that he opened his eyes even more often and ate more than he could at the hospital, although it wasn't much. For two days as the family members fussed over him, he was happy enough. Despite this animation, he did not utter any word at all. On one occasion, he grabbed the hands of my mother-in-law and held tightly. He couldn't speak but his grip spoke volumes. It turned out to be the last time because after two days of relative animation, he could no longer keep up his remaining strength. We Chinese would normally recognise this last phase of consciousness and animation as "getting better" before dying.

We arranged palliative care for my father-in-law and on his third day at home, a private nurse - I shall call her Anne - from Penang Hospice dropped by to assess his condition, telling us to monitor the oxygen level and his blood pressure readings regularly. There's a world of a difference between the care afforded by this nurse and that from the government hospitals. Anne was so patient with us as she explained how we should be caring for terminally-ill patients such as my father-in-law. She also demonstrated how to change bedsheets with minimum stress to the patient. Unfortunately, her advice couldn't be used much as my father-in-law was already drifting off into longer periods of semi-consciousness. Of course, this wasn't a good sign at all. Feeding him turned impossible as he stopped swallowing. We fitted a feeding tube on him that enabled us to syringe some sustenance every few hours. But we could see his life source slowly ebbing away. At 7.30pm on the day of his demise, his blood pressure was already very low registering 82/46 at one stage. It continued dropping. So was his oxygen level despite he breathing with the aid of a borrowed oxygen concentrator machine. 

In the meantime, my wife and I returned from Nandaka Vihara at 10pm where we had participated in the commencement of the Buddhist vassa or rains retreat. We plonked down on the living room sofa, hoping to catch some quiet moments but we had hardly any time to get comfortable. At about 10.45pm, the call came from her brother. Yes, it was the dreaded message. My father-in-law no longer showed any vital sign. Error messages on the oximeter and the blood pressure pump. He was still breathing at 10.30pm but 15 minutes later, he was gone. Just like that.

Everything switched into top gear from that point onwards. We rushed to my brother-in-law's house. On the way, we sought advice from the undertaker. First step was to contact 999 to have an ambulance come round to certify him dead. With the ambulance documentation, next was to report the death at the police station for a burial permit. The death certificate would come later when the NRIC (identity card) was surrendered to the authorities. In the meantime, the undertaker's team had arrived to prepare my brother-in-law's house for the bereavement. It was a wonder to see their efficiency. From cleaning and dressing up my father-in-law to putting up the curtains and erecting the temporary altars for prayers and chanting. The family had decided on five days of mourning before the funeral. Since my father-in-law had passed away at 10.45pm, Wednesday was considered as the first day of mourning itself. Buddhist rites would be followed until the funeral on Sunday. For the next three nights, Mahayana Buddhist priests would come to conduct prayers. We arranged an extra session on Saturday afternoon for Nandaka Vihara monks to come.

Come Thursday morning, we began the task of informing all the close relatives from far and near, including from Johore Bahru and Singapore. These were the families of four brothers and three sisters of my father-in-law; on my mother-in-law's side, two brothers and a sister. Also, the close friends of the family. But before then, a visit to the undertaker's shop to select a coffin and contacting Nirvana Blissful memorial park in Sungai Lembu where my father-in-law's cremated ashes would be interned. The undertaker's team arrived at about 1pm and they began the elaborate process of transferring my father-in-law's remains into the coffin. That done, there wasn't much left to do except to await the arrival of my daughter and a nephew from Kuala Lumpur. On the next day, my brother-in-law and his family arrived from Singapore. Nightly until Saturday, relatives and friends flowed in to pay their last respects.

Sunday morning was the funeral. It was fascinating again to see the undertaker's team swing into action. All in a day's work for them, actually. A priest led the final prayers at home. The coffin was taken from the house to the hearse and the procession, led by the two sons-in-law, proceeded on a short 300-metre walk before boarding a bus to the Berapit crematorium. Final rites were held there before the coffin carrying my father-in-law's remains was wheeled into the cremation chamber. Back at the house. the sons-in-law and the grandchildren officially ended their mourning by bathing and donning a red shirt. My wife and her siblings will continue the mourning process until the seventh day when we shall assemble at the Berapit crematorium to transfer the ashes into an urn before transporting it to the niche at the memorial park. Only then will they end their mourning officially. 

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Our families would like to thank all relatives and friends who had sent condolence messages and flowers, given Pek Kim or attended the nightly wakes before the funeral. 

On a personal level, my wife and I wish to thank former colleagues from our old Ban Hin Lee Bank days - Willy, Long Kin, Heng Boo and Yuen Chee - who visited us on Friday to share their condolences and to the Oh family (my cousins from my mother's side), Daphne, Siang Jin, See Ming, Swee Piew, Seak Chin, Soo Liang, Shing Lieu and my two immediate neighbours, Henry and Ean, who gave to the Pek Kim through me. Close friends that came were Heng Swee and Alice, Chiok San and Swee Hiang, and not forgetting Kuong Lim and his parents, Cheng Lee and Guat Sim, who also attended the funeral. A big, big "Thank You" to Bhante Dhammasubho, Bhante Visuddhacara, Bhante Revata and Bhante Sangharakkhita for their presence and chanting. Also to Sayalay Karuna and some of the present and former committee members of Nandaka Vihara (Brothers Chze Hooi, Fa Chu, Ban Leong, Herman, Soon Beng, Voong Siong, Moh Wen and Sister Sew Kee), my Quah Kongsi vice-president and secretary (Chin Sun and Cho Pin) who paid visits on Saturday, and especially to Penang Chess Association, SAMENTA, Menara Kerjaya Fasterners and Nandaka Vihara for their flowers. Thank you, everyone! 🙏🙏